fear, and dust

today i drove to alki beach. 

not to take pictures, really. more to sort out some passing emotions from my true feelings. about love. you know, the big stuff. sigh.

often this sort of sorting requires time, water, and walking.

i brought my new camera along.

fear came with me, too. 
like she always does. 

she likes to put dust on my lens, and then tell me it is scratched beyond repair. 

when fear is talking, my stomach clenches and my heart hurts and my breath gets shallow. sure signs i should not believe my own thoughts.

fear tried to tell me, "your love is scratched beyond repair. you should make an ultimatum. you should just move on. you should, you should, you should." 

fear also managed to poke a few daggers through my heart while she talked. 
that's how i really know she was there.

but truth was there too. truth feels different.
truth is clear. there are no daggers. and dust is just dust.

the soft, expansive water reminded me of my true feelings. "your love is big, and wide, and real, and healthy," said truth. "you can relax. just breathe, and trust. everything will be okay."

i came home and looked at the pictures from my new camera. my stomach clenched and my breath became shallow. dozens of tiny gray smudges on every single one. fear shouted, "the ccd is scratched beyond repair! you made a mistake. i told you not to buy that camera."

(deep breath)

a softer whisper from a different voice,
"did you check the lens for dust?"


yes, there it was. a terribly dirty lens. black specks in the same pattern as the gray spots on my images. it is not scratched. it can be cleaned up. made clear again.

fear likes to put dust on my lens,
on my love,
and tell me it is scratched 
beyond repair.